Why Saying 'No' Means Saying 'Yes' - to You!

Let’s talk people pleasing!

Most of us know the behaviour pattern, even if we might not always recognise it in ourselves.

It’s the colleague asking for help, when you’re already swamped, and have 3 deadlines looming. You get a tight knot in your stomach, yet respond – ‘Of course, Matt, how can I help you?’

It’s the new client you took on, knowing you’re spreading yourself too thin, you’re stressed and overwhelmed and heading for a burnout. You have that sinking feeling when you put their first appointment in the diary.

Why do we do this to ourselves?

Why are we seemingly incapable of saying ‘I’m so sorry, I’d love to help you, but my schedule is already chocobloc. Right now, I would not be able to give you the best service that you expect, and deserve.’

The answers lie in the meanings we attach to saying ‘No’, and deep-seated, subconscious, hidden ‘I am’ beliefs.

Let me give you a few real life examples of what that might look like:

‘Saying No to the last minute request would mean I am incapable of doing my job’.

‘By declining the new client appointment when my diary is already full, I would let them down/ let my business down.’

‘Refusing to help my colleague, even when I’m snowed-under, means I am a horrible person that no one likes.’

‘Not showing up for the Birthday party, whatever the reason, would mean I don’t care about my friend.’

‘I am not worthy of love, unless I always prioritise my partner’s needs over my own.’

These are BELIEFS, not TRUTHS! Beliefs are thoughts we keep thinking, and a lot of them were implanted in our subconscious in early life, continuously compounded by interpreting our life experience through their lens. It IS possible to rewrite our belief system, although this requires a lot of dedication and practice, as we are essentially rewiring the brain.

People pleasing is NOT a virtue!

But let’s not confuse it with giving from the heart, from a full cup - which makes you filled with pure joy of giving, brimming with smiles! Unconditional Love is the most powerful creative force in the Universe!!! Yay to that! Let's GIVE our presence, our love, our compassion, and let's create magic in each other's lives with this tremendous power!

People pleasing, on the other hand, might eventually make you feel overwhelmed, depleted, angry, frustrated, torn, and resentful.

Are you taking the action from a place of pure Love inside you, or from a place of lack, trying to get something in return?

So – should you, or should you not? As always, all our answers are within, my friend.

In order to decide, I invite you to close your eyes, sit quietly for a couple of minutes, then ask yourself:

‘How much of my time and energy will this require?’

‘What will I have to say ‘No’ to, in order to say ‘Yes’ to this?’

‘What is my motivation behind my wanting to do this?’

‘What are the likely consequences of my ‘Yes’ and my ‘No’?’

‘How does this idea make me feel?’

This is not about being 'selfish'….or - some, healthy, level of 'selfish' helps us become full, so we have more to give to the world!

So, please take a deep breath, put your hands over your heart, and give yourself some love and compassion!

None of us can be a Superman/ Superwoman at all times! Looking after You by saying ‘No’ when appropriate, means, paradoxically, that you will have more to give - FIRST to yourself, and ONLY THEN to other people, in all aspects of your life experience...and prioritise the people who mean the most to you.

Setting clear boundaries brings respect and clarity to everyone involved. And that is always a win-win!

Here’s to giving from the heart when we can, and saying ‘No’ - politely and without guilt - when we can’t!